Saturday, July 26, 2008

I, Asshole

When I find a blog that's worth reading I read it from the beginning. For example, if I comment regularly on your blog, I've read it from the start. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *snerk* I am SUCH a nerd.

I had just finished reading from start to current and he upped and vanished on me. AARRGGHH!!!!!!!!! And what a disappointment, I was going to start a link of funny religious bashing blogs on my sidebar headlining him, and he's gone. Do you suppose JesusFuckingChrist will return some day? He promised to, didn't he? Didn't he? Don't leave me hanging!!!!

Anyway, the newest blog that I'm reading all the way through is I,Asshole. She's been blogging since September of 2001. WOW!!! That is ANCIENT in blogger years.

Who is this I, Asshole? In her own words...I am SJ (NO FUCKING DOTS, OKAY, IT DOESN'T STAND FOR ANYTHING). I am Shauny's* web bitch. I am grumpy and caustic and rad and writerly. ...I live in Seattle. I have ugly hair because the last time I went to the grocery store I accidentally bought two conditioners and have been washing my hair with soap all week.
*her web hostess

Favorite Quotes from I, Asshole

On Insomnia- It is almost one and I can't sleep. I wonder how long it would take Mr. Husband to wake up if I tried to fill his nostrils with toothpaste?

On Buyer's Remorse- I should have just thrown my seven dollars off a bridge, and hit myself with a flyswatter for about an hour. Same damn results.

On Home Security- I mean, if an infant decided to to roll over in the direction of the front door, I'm sure it would swing open, that's how secure our house is. We don't have anything to steal, but I don't want anyone sniffing my panties except for ME.

On Riding a Bike- When I was a kid, my butt was always sore for the first few days, and then it wasn't anymore. I guess my question for today is: what happens to your butt that makes it not sore anymore? I guess you get Internal Ass Calluses.

On Kids- One thing I love about little kids is that if they are in a good mood, you can get them excited about anything. If she was awake right now, I could turn to her and say, "Root canal! YAY! Root canal!" If I started chanting it and jumping up and down, she would, too. They are kind of like dogs in that way.

On Improving Blog Readership of Comments- If you want to know how my second day was, you may read the comments of my previous entry. Hint: it involves nakedness.

On Timing of the Vasectomy- Our final mistake in Phoenix was to hurry up and get Mr. Husband's tubes snipped while we still had good insurance. It's not because we want a houseful of Frannies now, we don't, it's because he did it in my fifth month of my pregnancy. The fifth month should actually be called the filth month, because you turn into a perverted, rotten dog and you want to get your hump on three times a day. Maybe it's nature's way of making up for the fact that after that you will have a giant bump and sex just isn't the same with hemorrhoids and a bowling ball in your lap.

On Delivery and the Aftermath- I was up and about an hour later, after taking a shower. Mr. Husband made me some pasta and it was the best pasta ever. I couldn't sit because my vulva was so traumatized I'm sure it looked like a baboon's ass. It sure felt like one. For the next three days, every single muscle in my body was ripped up and sore. And now she will be three in about a week and I couldn't be happier that every day I get farther away from having a legitimate need for an ass-doughnut. Laughed myself to tears on this one.

On Wearing a Thong- However, with thongs, you need to have a pair that is exactly the right size. Too big, and they slither down your ass, giving you a different, but still unpleasant, kind of Visible Panty Line (VPL). Too tight, and oh god...let's just say it's very unpleasant. Let's just visualize that ceramics class you took in junior college. Let us reflect back to the first piece of cold, hard clay you purchased. What did you cut it with? A long, sturdy piece of string. Poor Miss Labia.
I guess what it comes down to is that I feel unsettled unless I have a tiny piece of fabric jammed in my ass crack. Yes, I know how insane that sounds. I cannot stop, and if anyone tries to intervene I will remove my thong and strangle them with it.

On Steve Irwin He was on Conan saying that you can't say "fanny pack" in Australia, because "fanny" is slang for a woman's No-No Place, which I think I have heard before. But he did not say, "A fanny is slang for a woman's No-No Place." He said, "A fanny is slang for a woman's...Front Bottom."

Front Bottom! New band name! I am going to start dropping that one all over the place.

"Kiss my Front Bottom!"

"I can pick up a bottle of Coca-Cola with my Front Bottom."

"My Front Bottom is itchy because I filled it with jawbreakers."

On Dating Mr. Husband- "If I choose where we eat, does that mean I have to put out?" I asked.

"You're not supposed to ask, you're supposed to wait-and-see-what-happens," he said.

On Attachment Parenting her 6 Month Old- We used to sleep with her every night, from birth. But about a month ago, she developed a mean donkey kick and a tendency to rip out her father's body hair, of which there is A LOT. It turns out that nothing makes a thirty-year-old man scream like a little girl like involuntary depilation while sleeping. Who knew?

Posts I laughed myself silly on.
I, Asshole Cross Over To The Dark Side (Again)Because nobody PMS's like I, Asshole.

In Which I Make Improper Invocations in the Name of SCIENCE



Poodles said...

I have her beat in blogging years by a few months, does that make me older than dirt???


Fiery said...




Didn't mean to offend, I really must learn to treat my elders with more respect.


TraceyTreasure said...

I'm older than all of you! So there! I should qualify for some kind of Senior Discount or something. Oh wait, blogging is free!! Yay!!
I'm glad you like I,Asshole too! She's one of my favorites but I don't read her everyday. You and Poodles.....I read everyday. I try to anyway!! :)

Anonymous said...

I'm just a new pup when it comes to blogging, and nearly disappeared for good recently, but I'M BACK!

Good find Fiery, some excellent quotes

Fiery said...

Glad to hear it OzA. Warm thoughts and huggums sent your way. :D

super jive said...

Hey, thanks for the nice shout out. It is weird to see a quote round up like this. I kind of forgot I'd written a lot of it.

Fiery said...

OMG SJ!!!! Is that really you???? I feel like I'm in the presence of a celebrity!!!!

:D You have brought rainbows to my whole evening.

Warmest welcome to my blog.

It was fascinating to note that the snarkiness in your life diminshed as your happiness with your Companion increased. I was sad to see the snarky I,Asshole wane, and THRILLED that your happiness increased.

I haven't caught up on your current life, I'm only up to about '06. I sincerely hope that you are happy and prospering. All the very best wishes from someone who is reading your life like a novel.