Saturday, January 3, 2009

blast from the past

Awwww look at that poor heart, all battered and bruised.

That heart wasn't born looking that way. And do you know who is responsible for it?

I am.

That's right. My heart. My responsibility.

Six months almost to the fucking day after the dreaded phone call saying, "I just want to be friends", 3.5 months after the last email, I hear from him.

And how do I feel about that? Quivery. Fluctuating between anger and sadness, regret and something else.

And I find myself wondering, what in the world is he even doing on my blog? And why respond now after all the heart broken posts in the past, why now does he choose to respond to this one?

I wonder how many times I've written about this since July 1st? Let's see....


Ya know, I was going to go back through every post and link to each one where I had discussed this. But.... I just can't be arsed.


The one that I will find, that sums it up best is that post I did with all the music videos.....

Fuck it. I'll just repost the relevant bits here with new links since one looks to be dead.

The first music video- how I thought he felt about me.
(I used to love this song. Was my absolute favorite. Now it makes me sick and I never listen to it.)

The second music video- how I felt when he ended it.
(Listened to this song over and over and over. The angst. A perfect match.)

The third music video- the lesson I spent 6 months learning

Of all the heart broken posts I've put up, he responds now. And I don't know why. Why did this post compel him to step up and put his two cents back in the pool? I know he doesn't give two shits what anyone else on the planet thinks of him. Curious.

And now that I posted my reply to him in the comments section... now that I've written this blog post about it...

How do I feel?

YAY ME!!!!!! :)


Half rabbit said...

Yay for you. Have a orange juice on me. I'm glad you're finally feeling better. It's being a tough journey for you, one that no one should go through. But things are looking better and with your new outlook things should be just grand. (said in the voice of Wallace from Wallace and Gromitt for some reason, possibly since you don't like them)

Joe said...

After the first big heartache, I've found that living well is the best revenge. So Fiery, live well!

Oz Atheist said...

well said Joe

Traceytreasure said...

Yay for you!!
Oh Fiery, I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Sometimes life lessons suck. I'm hoping the lessons you need to learn from here on will suck less.

Super duper big hugs!!

Fiery said...

Rabbit- I love orange juice kindly. And since I have no vodka, it will be virgin and not a screw driver. I dont' mind Wallace or Grommit, it's those 3 evil pigs that scare me. 8-)

Joe- That is exactly my plan! :) Moving on isn't easy, but it is essential.

OzA- :)

Tracey- Thank you for the hugs dear. :) You are a treasure. :D

Fiery said...

Rabbit- correction

It should have said, "I love orange juice, thankya kindly."

LOL!!!! whoops.

The rest stands. :D

Poodles said...

I completely agree with Joe...Move on, be happy and enjoy being with yourself. Love will come, until then get a good toy. :-)

Thump Thump Eyes said...

Dear Fiery, broken hearts really do heal and mend if you let them.

By admitting to yourself you broke your own heart, and taking him right out of the equation, you can then truly feel good and allow yourself to accept that moving on and being happy with your lot in life is really the very very best thing to do for yourself.

Don't wonder why he decided to post here again, don't go all quivery, sad, regretful and will really get you nowhere and only gain you another bandaid on that poor heart!

He is obviously having a crisis of conscience and thought he saw a moment where he could perhaps glean a measure of relief by apparently laying himself bare, here, on your blog, under the scrutiny of all who follow you!

How weird, how strange, that he couldn't email you directly and say all those things!

Fiery said...

Poodles- over the last six months I've added several toys to my collection. They are.... very satisfying. In fact... speaking of... >:-)

Thump- How weird, how strange, that he couldn't email you directly and say all those things! It was. Maybe he felt safe writing here? Less vulnerable than if it was in an email. I'll bet having a fundy defend him creeped him out a bit. It would me.

I wish I hadn't said that part about him not being worth brain cells. I didn't really mean it. :-/

Protium the Heathen said...

Well, I can tell you that all this has made me want to get a little more mellheidit myself.

I think I might start a toy business ;-)

Fiery said...

Dibs on being a volunteer toy tester!!!!!!

Half rabbit said...

I have no idea what I would do with toys. Maybe give them to fiery. But looooove free stuff so I'll test too ;)

Poodles said...

I soooo want to be a tester...

Harry Nads said...

I have been out of the blogoshpere lately and, now that I am finally back, I am saddened to hear what you went through . We are all here for you, we all love you. Hooray for you about moving on. I know how it feels to be in your situation (many of us do) and you are doing a great job by moving forward. You ROCK!

Fiery said...

Harry :) Thank you so much for the warm wishes. Your absence was noted, it always is, and you were missed. I'm glad to see you pop back in.

It has been a long six months and I know the progress I have made in recovering and getting my head screwed on straight. It hasn't been easy, by any stretch, but I am more at peace with myself than I ever have been.

All my best to you for the challenging situation you face.