Sunday, April 13, 2008

'cause it's THAT kind of day

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do. As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on. Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"

Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action. She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"

* * *

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo." The other guy asks, "What's the Rodeo position, and how do you to do it?"

The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too' and then you try to hang on for 8 seconds."

* * *

Every time the salesman travelled to New York City, he always stayed at the same hotel, because the bellboy always managed to fix him up with the best call girls in town.

The salesman checks in. Unfortunately, the bellboy forgot that the salesman was arriving, and all the call girls are across town and busy. The bellboy runs out and buys a rubber blow-up doll, hoping the salesman will be drunk enough not to know the difference.

Sure enough, the salesman rolls in at midnight, drunk as a skunk. The bellboy helps him up to the room and puts him to bed next to the rubber blow-up doll.

The next morning, the salesman comes down and hands the bellboy the usual 100 buck tip.

The bellboy asks, "Was the company to your liking sir?"

The salesman responds, "Son, that was the weirdest girl I've ever been with."

"How so?"

"Well," the salesman says, "I took off all my clothes. Then I rolled over on top of her. Then I gave her neck a little bitty bite."

"What happened then?" the bellboy asks.

The salesman says, "Damn girl farted and flew out the window."

* * *

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

* * *

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex,
I’ve forgotten who ties up who.

* * *

There was a young maid from Darjeeling
Who said she had no sexual feeling
Till a sailor named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling


Poodles said...

You should have been at the party I was at last night. Something to do with all of the drunk straight guys upstairs in the gay guys closet trying on their shirts.


Fiery said...

That would have been a hoot to see.
I hope there was someone around with a camera for blackmail shots. Posted on the office bulletin board under the heading "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy".


Xavier Onassis said...

There seems to be a theme here lately. And it ain't got nuthin' to do with Atheism!

Fiery said...

psssst. XO! You don't suppose anyone else noticed do you?


Xavier Onassis said...

There is a cure for that, ya know.

Richard said...

No, this doesn't fit with the theme XO noticed, but I had to offer it to you all:


The train was quite crowded, so a Redneck U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! this American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Fiery said...

That's awesome! Thank you Richard!

Great way to start the day.