Wednesday, May 23, 2007

steven wright

I thought it was just sad that I couldn't think of anything new to post. I did find this and it made me laugh. Steven Wright is the comedian who speaks in a low monotone with pauses between statements to let the irony sink in. Without further ado....

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?


Anonymous said...

You're forgetting one of my all-time favourite. He gets halfway through a story, looks down, and says, "I lost a buttonhole."

Crazyman Bob said...

Here's some more Steven Wright classics:

"I built a circular driveway ... now I can't leave my house."

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out."

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."

BigTex71 said...

"I once spilled spot remover on my dog. Now I can't find him anywhere."

BigTex71 said...

He is one of my all-time favorite comedians.

Tone said...

One of the best!

Tommy said...

"I once saw a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."

"I once put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"