Monday, November 3, 2008

Sex Education: Advanced Techniques

Did you hear the one about the vicar?

In a "completely NON sexual related injury" a vicar went to the emergency room with a potato up his bum.

Apparently the incident happened while he was hanging curtains.... in his kitchen.... while naked... with potatoes set out on the table behind him.

Who could possibly have anticipated he would tragically end up with a POTATO in his poop shoot?

BULLSHIT!! Bull fucking shit you lying fundy!!!!!! And keep your lying hands and eyes off kids and anyone else in your "pastoral" care.

A VICAR turned up in agony at a hospital — with a potato stuck in his bottom.

Published: 31 Oct 2008

A VICAR turned up in agony at a hospital — with a potato stuck in his bottom.

The clergyman told stunned casualty nurses he fell backwards on to his kitchen table while hanging curtains.

He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap.

The embarrassed reverend, in his 50s, had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the offending vegetable.

The spud was yesterday revealed to be among a litany of objects medics in Sheffield have removed from people’s nether regions.

Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll — and a carnation.

Like most of the other patients, the red-faced vicar insisted to staff at the city’s Northern General Hospital that his predicament was NOT the result of a sex game gone wrong.

A & E nurse Trudi Watson said: “He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.

“But it’s not for me to question his story.

“He had to undergo surgery to have it removed.”

She admitted some sex-related emergencies had made staff chuckle. But she urged anyone contemplating sticking something where the sun doesn’t shine to think again.

Ms Watson said: “My advice? Don’t do it.

“It can be very dangerous and potentially life-threatening.

“Surgery can lead to infection, nasty scarring, and it could possibly end up with the person having to use a colostomy bag as a result.”

Health staff across Sheffield, Barnsley, Rotherham and Doncaster say they are no longer surprised at the things people use to spice up fun in the bedroom.

A hospital trust spokeswoman in Sheffield said: “Like all busy hospitals we do see some unusual accidents.

“But our staff deal with them in a discreet, professional and kind way.”

How many Hail Mary's for installing window blinds in your birthday suit?

FUNDY SEX EDUCATION: Attention Catholic Priests and various Vicars



Anything you put in your bum needs to have a retrieval cord or handle attached to it or be attached to a human being.

Thank you and happy spelunking. Class dismissed.

Hat Tip to Atilla the Mom for the heads up on this one! Cheers! :)


Anonymous said...

EEEEKKKK!!! OW! Dumbass.

Traceytreasure said...

Does this give new meaning to butt nugget? Butt tater, butt tot.....

Holy, Eewwwww/Ouchy/Yucky....

I'm going to have nightmares about this. If he wasn't nekkid, could they have just pulled on his dress and sent that potato flying?

Do you wonder what they did with Mr. Potato head after they removed him? Poor guy.... :(


Harry Nads said...

Do you realize that even if you actually TRIED to fall on a potato to get it lodged in your anus... it is very, extremely, unfathomly (is that a word?) improbable. He may as well have said he ate a whole potato and he was trying to shit it out when it got stuck.

Anonymous said...

what a sad story about the unfortunate vicar. I'm sure we've all been guilty of hanging curtains in the nude. or is that just me?

*** snerk ***

It's not just the fundies that this happens to. There was a similar story from the major hospital where I live.

Some poor unfortunate guy was gardening his vegetable patch in the nude at midnight and slipped over and got a carrot stuck up his bum.

or so he told the ER.

I think it's time for Fiery to conduct a world wide health campaign. A suggested slogan:
"do not stick vegetables up your bum"

Fiery said...


He must have looked awfully damned stupid with the green leafy top of a carrot sticking out of his bum. Did it not occur to him to grab hold and pull gently? Or was he so surprised at falling onto a carrot pointing up at jeebus that he didn't think to grab the green bits until they'd disappeared into his nether regions.


Harry Nads said...

Off Topic:

I just had an epiphany! You all may not know, but I have been unemployed for nearly a year now (I am in the IT industry.) I think I have a way to make a lot of money legally- I will write a book claiming to have been 'to the other side' with a near death experience. I can make up all kinds of BS about how wonderful it was and everything was so perfect. All those wanting to believe will buy it and buy into the BS. Isn't this what all those New Age writers did?

Thoughts or opinions?

Fiery said...

oh dear, fundy contamination is seeping into poor Mr. Nads' brain. He might be.... *gasp* slipping over to the dark side!!!!

Maybe we should all clasp our hands together in mock impotence and wring them worriedly whilst looking at the sky pleading for an imaginary being to hold Nads in the palm of his uncaring hand.

And what a waste of a perfectly good handful. Might as well give them a gentle squeeze and a roll around while one is palming them.

Bummer about the job, since I hadn't heard any news I'd rather hoped things had turned around for you. And your littlest bean must be nearly 2 now? How time flies!!!!!