Thanksgiving Daysaster

No one in my family gives a turkeys gobble about eating...well...turkey. *gasp* I know, I know. It's blasphemous to be an American and to not only not like turkey, but to not even serve it on the big day!!!!!

When I was growing up, it was always Papa Ewok's job to make the stuffing. I remember him drying bread on cookie sheets under the wood burning stove down in the utility room. The day before, he'd get the turkey thawing in a mop bucket, and that evening he'd be able to finally get the little packet of giblets out.

And that's when I started to hate Thanksgiving. He'd open up that lumpy white packet and empty it into a pot of water, put it on the back of the stove, and let it simmer until the whole house smelled of parboiled turkey lips. Yep, Papa Ewok makes hardcore stuffing, homemade bread crumbs and minced turkey giblets.

There is something about that smell that makes my stomach roil. *blech* Since neither the kids' dad nor I care for turkey or turkey left overs I decided to let the kids pick various favorites for the big meal.

My son wanted what I grew up calling long spaghetti, which we now just call spaghetti, which the Aussies and Kiwi's call spag bol. Since we eat that quite often, I ixnayed the idea for Thanksgiving dinner, much to my regret as I was later to learn.

I thought the big "Thanksgiving Meal" should be something we didn't eat very often, and encouraged him to pick a different favorite, maybe for a different part of the meal, so he picked vanilla (NOT! French vanilla) ice cream and pumpkin pie for desert. This is significant only in that we have a freezer full of frozen apple slices waiting to be turned into pies or apple crisp, but my son doesn't like eating cooked fruit.

My daughter chose bean casserole as her favorite, and rightly so, I've seen her polish off half the pan in one sitting.

We decided the main course could be meatloaf and baked potatoes and that we would eat around 3 p.m.-ish.

We got the hamburger thawing in the fridge the day before. I was tempted to cut up some all beef hot dogs and boil them on the back of the stove in honor of dad and his turkey lips, but we didn't have any hot dogs to sacrifice.

Unfortunately, for the hamburger, come the day of, it was still fairly frozen. So we throw it, freezer bag and all, into the stove so it can sit at room temperature on the rack, safe from the cats eager paws, until we need it later in the day for the meatloaf.

Attempt 1: About 11:00 a.m. my daughter heads out to the kitchen to get the pumpkin pie made up. And what do the directions say in regards to the oven? That's right... preheat the oven to 425*F and since she decided to follow the directions today, she preheated the oven.

..What is that weird candle-like burning smell?...

That would be melted and burning plastic shrink wrapping itself onto the thawed hamburger. Windows open, fans on, smack out the flames with the metal kitchen utensil.'

Okay- so.... no meatloaf. What else do we have? Well, we've got frozen chicken breasts or I could throw a roast in the slow cooker with the potatoes and have that for a late Thanksgiving supper instead of a late lunch. So... pie's in the oven, I'm dumping spices on the frozen pot roast, cutting up the potatoes, taking the pie out of the oven, and wondering what the heck to serve for lunch.

Leftovers. We have leftovers for lunch (sung to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas): 5 breaded fish fillets, 3 boneless chicken wings, 2 Applebee's onion rings, and a limp slice of pepperoni pizza.

BUT... in honor of the festive day we decide to eat the pumpkin pie and ice cream right then with an eggnog chaser.

Attempt 2- We figure after 7 hours in the slow cooker the roast should be about done so we get the stove fired up again and get the bean casserole tossed in the oven. The timer dings, we put the dried french onions on and back in the stove it goes to brown for five minutes. Time to check on the pot roast.

WTF?????? The potatoes are still rock hard. The roast is still blood red under the potatoes. AARRGGHH!!!! I didn't add water so there wasn't enough fluid to steam everything. I guess we'll eat "leftover" pot roast and potatoes for lunch tomorrow after it finishes cooking at about 10p.m. on Thanksgiving Day.

So what the hell did we eat for Thanksgiving?

Attempt 3- The bean casserole, all of it, with pumpkin pie, ice cream, and eggnog for desert.

I can't wait for Christmas.