arse wiping tips by ShitBeGone

I don't remember getting taught how to wipe my own butt. I must have, or I figured it out, because I don't go around with shit stained underpants.

Worse, I don't remember teaching either of my kids. And their underwear is skid free as well. Hmmmmm.

And now... a word from our sponsors...

ShitBegone toilet paper is unembossed— meaning you get more strength, more sheets, and the true softness you need— without the "hot air" of other brands.

For best results, ShitBegone (as all toilet paper) should be used folded, not crumpled. Folding toilet paper instead of crumpling it makes it feel softer, and saves paper too. Here at ShitBegone, we don't mind if you use less toilet paper— in fact, we'd prefer it. Just as long as you use ShitBegone.

That gets to the deeper philosophy behind ShitBegone. ShitBegone is truth in marketing. We sell unembossed paper because it's a better value. Our 100% recycled, unembossed paper is cheaper, easier, and more efficient to make— and just as good to use as even the most expensive, heavily marketed, 100% virgin fiber competitor.

(Who but a true asshole, would sell something that was made of 100% fresh ground up forests— more expensive than necessary— and engineered to encourage overuse? That's corporate America for you...)

Here's the key: instead of puffing ourselves up with air, ShitBegone is content to be soft where it counts— against your ass.

We reject the idea, which other companies have advertised for years, that toilet paper is only soft if the roll feels squishy in your hand. The truth is it doesn't matter a bit how soft the roll feels, since it's not the roll you will be wiping with!

Instead, you wipe with just a few sheets. Some people crumple them, but the better way is to fold them.

When you crumple toilet paper, just like if you crumpled a piece of writing paper, it gets sharp edges and corners. Why would you want sharp corners on your toilet paper? Like all paper, toilet paper feels smoothest when it is flat.

Folding, instead of crumpling, also helps you use far less paper— saving energy, resources and money.

If you are worried that folded paper will break or tear, just fold it over again to make more layers. With ShitBegone, I usually tear off 3 or 4 sheets, and fold them over twice for a total of 4 sheets (8 plys) thick. But even if you tear off 6 or 8 sheets at a time, and make a pad 24 layers thick to wipe yourself with, you will still use less paper than most crumplers do.

Now that you are wiping properly, you see how the true softness you feel is just the smooth texture of the individual sheet of paper, which is why you can forget about the big squishy roll.

In fact, the paper in those big soft rolls can be even harsher than plain paper, because of the embossing process.*

500-sheet, 2-ply ShitBegone lasts as long as a 1000-sheet, 1-ply roll, because it is the same amount of paper. Yet ShitBegone costs less than many 1000-sheet brands, especially other 100% recycled brands, meaning it is a better deal.

Also, since ShitBegone is 2-ply 500 sheet instead of 1-ply 1000 sheet, that means it's twice as thick... which means you spend less time unrolling and folding up the paper, and makes it less likely to break or leak through.

*This is because embossing is all about making little bumps or texture on the paper to trap air between the layers. You don't use the air so why would you pay people to emboss it in there and then haul it around? If the embossing isn't done well (and lots of it isn't) then the paper will feel rough. If you want to really feel how soft a toilet paper is going to feel against your skin, then instead of squeezing the roll you should do this. Unroll a couple sheets of each one and put them down flat on a hard surface. Now stroke them lightly with the tips of your fingertips.
If you do this for your friends, you will look really professional and like a true toilet paper connoisseur.

If you do the stroke-test on the back side (the side facing the inside of the roll) of a heavily embossed roll you will feel the problem known in the industry as "back side scratchiness." This is where the back side of the paper gets even scratchier than the front side from the embossing. Only the best patterns and companies are able to overcome it and they all spend a lot of money trying. Buy why bother since it's totally unnecessary anyway!

Ya didn't make it this far didja? *Snerk* That's ok. It was a post about toilet paper. :)

ALL HAIL SHITBEGONE!!!

You can actually buy ShitBeGone here.