Friday, May 2, 2008

the return of the underminer

from The Incredibles

Apparently the inlaws are back from their winter migration to Florida. Yippee. Not.

I hate my inlaws. Why? Background reading available here and here.

Cunty and PussyWhipped Can'tStandJa are the kids paternal grandparents. They specialize in emotional blackmail, lying, and keeping up appearances among the relatives. This is the email they sent about 2 minutes ago, a copy to me, the Kids' Dad, and my daughter's (!) personal email...

Hi to all!

Just wanted to let you know that Grandma Dorothy is now in a nursing home. She had a series of mini strokes & no longer felt safe to be alone.

She will be 99 on May 7th & her birthday party will be on the 10th. She would like all of you to be able to come. If the only reason you wouldn't come is the price of gas we would be willing to pay the gas so that you could see her . If you are working so that you couldn't come on Saturday you could come on Sunday as we kind of continue the party on Sunday until everyone has to go home.

If all of you can't come she would really like to have the kids come so that she could see them one more time. We will be going over on Friday the 9th & would take them with us if they want to go. Let us know what you decide as we will take the camper if the kids are going with us. You can email us or call us on the cell at 666-666 6666.

See you soon.
Love, Dad & Mom

1- don't tell me you love me you hypocritical bitch. Oh wait. You mean it in the fundy sense of the word so never mind. I'm sure you do "love" me, but not in any sense of the word that has any meaning to me.

2- "see you soon." you fucking wish!

3- You've been playing the "this is probably Grandma Dorothy's last birthday party" card for the last 8 years. Eight fucking years we've been hearing this "see you one last time" shit. And yes. One of these times it's going to be the last time. boo hoo hoo.

4- You don't ever get to take the kids anywhere on your own again. ever.

5- Paying for the gas is not going to reimburse me for the sheer boredom and drudgery I would experience at this "party".


Half rabbit said...

Undercut them back. Pretend your going to their party and instead organize your own for Grandmother Dorethy on their actual birthday, May 7th. Make it so huge that Grandmother will be so tired and fulfilled they wont even want to go to the puny inlaws version.

Either that or visit your local pet shop. Buy a cohort of monkeys. Dress them up in tuxedos and feed them vodka. Then turn them loose on your inlaws campervan when they turn up. Make sure the monkeys are smart so they will follow the in car gps map to get to the inlaws house. But not so smart they know when to stop.

The monkeys will jump out just before the car crashes (because tuxedos give monkeys super powers) and proceed to throw damming evidence on the scene. (Drugs, huge insurance contracts for the van/house registered the week before and plenty of dung etc)

Finally Christians can be superstitious. A few upside down crosses and some garlic should keep them away.

Traceytreasure said...

Tell them that it's going to cost you enough money to get there and then buy them a couple of tickets for a long cruise. Sorry that you have to deal with them. My greatgrandma lived to be 98. My grandma's name was Dorothy. She didn't like me or any other kids except for the "favorite" grandkids.(my cousins) Did you let your daughter go to public school? Maybe you could show your in-laws the blog School Is Hell at- It might change their mind about public school. I can't believe that they have to put their two cents in. You could always send your in-laws to Arizona! The speed limit on the highway is 75 and there's no helmet law. We could get them some cool bikes! Sorry, I know these are your mate's folks but I wish like hell they were nicer to you. Tell them you already have plans that day that don't include them?? Sorry these weren't much help. I hope the thought made you smile at least. I had no idea about them until today. I hope you do what you want to do even though that's usually the hardest thing to do where family is concerned. Hugs!

Traceytreasure said...

Oh, and don't forget to tell them that our P.E.N.I.S Foundation is accepting new members!! ;)

Fiery said...

Hi HalfRabbit! :) Would love to inflict monkey shit-fights on them. lol And nice job on reading their email for details, I hadn't even picked up on the whole "actual birthday" celebrate when it's convenient dichotomy.

Heya Tracey! Great Grandma Dorothy lives about 3 hours down the road in Jamestown and I've only met the woman a few times. She seems nice enough, just can't seem to bring myself to care about her birthday. Not when it means spending time with Cunty & PussyWhipped. *GACK* No thank you! I wonder if we just ignore the email if they will show up at the door and assume the sale. *rolls eyes*

Maggie Rosethorn said...

Oh, Dog, Fiery. Good luck in whatever you decide. Of course, you will be the evil person, no matter what.

I saw a sign outside of a church today, and I SOOOOO wish I'd had a camera with me. It said "God wants to reveal himself to you!" I looked, then with the mental picture that evoked I laughed until tears rolled down my face (in fact, I'm laughing typing it.) I may have to go back to get a picture to send to you.

Fiery said...


Oh please do!!!!!! I would love to have that pic!

Jeebus the flasher. MWAHAHAHAHAAHAHA

doofus said...

Sure Jesus loves you... but does he swallow?

Fiery said...

With 12 men at his beck-and-call I'd imagine he put in time pitching and catching. Although maybe he was a spitter, but I bet he didn't let them spit.

Sean the Blogonaut F.C.D. said...

Just say you went and visited her - how's her memory?

Do you know someone has photoshop :)